PSA: Hawaii Five-0

Hello there! FYI, it's okay to watch Hawaii Five-0 for the establishing shots.





The plentiful shots of mountains, sunsets, random sporty people in swimsuits, the ocean, and cityscapes, all artfully-composed and oversaturated, make me feel actual joy and are the deciding factor in my choice to watch this show. That can't be wrong.

Legend of the Seeker

America loves procedurals right now, but I'm apparently obsessed with action/adventure shows, preferably set in medieval times and involving fantasy.

Legend of the Seeker is based on a book series by Terry Goodkind which are apparently disturbing and which I don't care about. It's got a pretty formulaic adventure set-up: prophesy, chosen one, destiny, etc., etc., etc.

The show is great, mainly because it has one of these excellent doooomed romances involving attractive young people.



It starts out with Kahlan, a pretty lady with a pretty dress and dark pretty hair. So that we don't risk loving her for just her looks, she is introduced through a hip action sequence with Matrixesque speed-ramping, and then she has a touching scene where she cries.



Then we meet Richard, this super-sexy man who's building a bridge, shirtless, chopping and hammering and carrying big logs and planks and things. It is terribly shocking. So that we don't risk loving him for just his looks, a little boy approaches with a dog and a cow that kind of looks like a dog, and the manly shirtless man has endearing interaction with the boy and pets the cow.



The Kahlan and Richard meet and become best friends. Sometimes Richard looks at Kahlan and sighs. It is adorable, and the show is worth watching just for them. Because they aren't allowed to get married and have a million babies (it's complicated), they spend a lot of time playing mommy and daddy to disenfranchised youths they've rescued from various circumstances.

There's a little boy who makes fun of their love, a little girl who doesn't really give them the time of day despite their hasty efforts to become her parents, and in the most recent episode, a tiny baby!



You can't see the baby here, but Kahlan's holding it and Richard's feeding it and cooing over it like you wouldn't believe. It's unbearably cute.

It's kind of amazing that they manage to coincidentally break away from the third main character to play house with all these kids, but they do. And it's pretty alarming that they find the time to do this so often when they're on their big destiny mission or whatever, but they do.

Merlin: Taking Away All My Street Cred

I think I'll feel better once I get this out in the open, and I don't care if I have to drag Danielle down with me a little bit.

Last week, I watched all of BBC's recent series, Merlin. It was really good.



It's a bit like Arthurian legends, in that there's magic and various people and places have the same names. I think that's it for similarities, though. Partially it's just cute and fun, but overall it's clever. I don't know. It's very good. I'm telling you.

Anyway, a few points of how this show has made me an unlikeable person:

1. While watching the first series, I sent Danielle like 20 emails about Merlin and Arthur's EPIC LOVE. She only responded when she had something completely unrelated to say, and once to tell me, "idc."



2. I went to the website and became kind of obsessed with this Camelot Defence game, although it has little to do with the series. I sent the link to Danielle and now we play it every so often and talk about strategy. At length.



3. Also--and this part doesn't really reflect poorly on Danielle (although it should, because she hangs out with me)--but when I'm cold in my house, instead of putting on a sweater, I tie this big red blanket around my neck and wear it like a cape. Like a knight of Camelot. (Or Superman, but to be honest, I'm thinking of Camelot.)
   
   At best, this happens when I'm alone, and then it's still equal parts embarrassing and awesome.

House Hunters

This show on HGTV is weirdly addictive.

The premise is straightforward: a person or couple who is in the market to buy a house or condo talks a little bit about what they are looking for. Then they go with a real estate agent to go see three options, at the end of every option in every episode, the real estate agent says "So, can we keep this one on the list?" Then they choose one, tell you why, and we fast forward to a few months after they've moved in and they say how much they love the new place.

And somehow, the show is amazing!

I think the allure is in the combination of seeing cute houses, along with the cheesiness of the obviously scripted format, and the practically negligible amount of suspense while you wait to see which one they chose.

I could probably watch half hour episodes for at least 9 or 10 hours straight. In fact, I'm going to set the Tivo and try to do this at Thanksgiving.

Have We Talked About, Pt. 1

Welcome to Have We Talked About, a column where in lieu of having anything original to say, I dig up an old image (credit: Internet) and talk about it.

Our first item is about a year old:



Here's my interpretation of this scene: Kristen Bell, looking stiff and awkward, chooses Zachary Levi, leaning against the wall like a tool, in her weekly Rose Ceremony. Congratulations, Zachary Levi.

Condolences to the guy who plays Marc's boyfriend on Ugly Betty, who did not earn a rose, but is playing it like he doesn't care in the background.

Stay strong, Marc's boyfriend. You're an inspiration to all of us whom Kristen Bell doesn't really care about.

Confessions of a Chuck Bass Enthusiast

I watch like nine billion TV shows on Monday nights, and Gossip Girl is of the lowest priority, because it's awful. As far as I'm concerned, if the TV show Gossip Girl were a character on the TV show Gossip Girl, it would be Jenny in season 1.

That said, like most humans, I'm totally infatuated with Chuck Bass. Who wouldn't be? He's Chuck Bass!


(I tried to edit out his mullet, but I gave up, because guys, he kind of just has a mullet. I can't control that.)

I have a vivid fantasy about him! It's one that I think I can safely assume is typical of a Chuck Bass fan, because it's really the only reasonable fantasy one could produce. (That's right! I'm talking about my logical fantasies.)

I will describe it for you now so you can stop wondering what people see in this guy!

In my Chuck Bass fantasy, I'm in a loveless marriage with Chuck Bass. In fact, we basically hate each other. We probably got married in Vegas or somewhere. I only married him for his money, and he only married me to be spiteful toward Blair Waldorf, with whom he's totally still in love.


(Notice Chuck Bass creepily staring at her in the background.)

He would go off all the time and have intense romantic encounters with Blair, but they would always end badly. What's more, he mends his heart by cheating on me with every other woman in the city, and sometimes I have to find out, and then he has to buy me nice things, like $100,000 sapphire rings I would never wear. We'd be constantly antagonistic, and that's only if we can't manage to avoid one another.

This part might deviate from the norm (the rest is necessarily the standard Chuck Bass fantasy, and I'll go to the wall for that). Every night we have this really stiff, tense dinner together where we each sit on the opposite end of a comically long dinner table. We have this live-in chef who makes really dreadful dinners--just disgusting recipes--and the only time Chuck Bass and I ever get along is when we're mocking her food, dryly, right in front of her. But she can't quit because we pay her too much.



I WOULD LOVE THIS LIFE. Is it too much to ask?

Doctor Whobama

me: is Obama a big DW fan?

is DW a big Obama supporter?

Valeah: both!

12:39 PM

Valeah: Obama was like, "I love your show!" and DW was like, "Ah yes, that little stretch of time when there was a TV show about me! It was a long-running show by your standards, but fairly insignificant in the whole of human history. Not as successful as say, Pushing Daisies, which ran for 200 seasons, or Pushing Daisies: Chuck And Digby After The Apocalypse, which as far as I know, never ended," and Obama was like, "Contribute to my campaign!" and DW was like, "I can't, under FEC regulations, because I'm not an American citizen."